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Dancing on Ice 2023, review: Innuendoes and Nineties nostalgia can't save such a mediocre contest

Patsy Palmer with professional dancer Matt Evers - ITV/Matt Frost
Patsy Palmer with professional dancer Matt Evers - ITV/Matt Frost

Is it strange to feel sorry for a TV show? Dancing On Ice (ITV1) has long been the runt of the TV talent contest litter. Its format is like a low-rent, low-temperature version of Strictly Come Dancing. It might be optimistically billed as “the greatest show on ice” but the series gets unceremoniously shoved into the January schedules when there’s a captive audience at home, filling airtime until its bigger, better ITV stablemates come along.

The annual skate-athon’s casting seems to be getting worse. With each passing series, there are fewer familiar names and more rent-a-faces - people famous for being vaguely famous, often from soaps or rival reality shows. You’d do well to recognise three of this year’s 11 so-called celebrities.

Among the few things Dancing On Ice had going for it was the popularity of presenting duo Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby, a pairing beloved from daytime stalwart This Morning. Even this has been tarnished since they were accused of skipping the line for the Queen's lying-in-state. Social media wags quipped that tonight’s required elements included the “queue jump”.

This 15th series (how did that happen?) opened with six couples taking to the RAF Bovingdon rink. We’ll have to wait until next Sunday for the delights of former footballer and Gladiators host John Fashanu - although he did pop up in the audience and gamely give us an “Awooga!”. Nineties nostalgists instead had to be content with former EastEnders actress Patsy Palmer, aka Bianca - a whirling Walford dervish mainly known for shrieking “Rickeeeee!”. Palmer was patently terrified and forgot her steps but was likeable enough to get away with it.

By far the most accomplished skater was Olympic gymnast Nile Wilson, who topped the scoreboard with 29.5 points from a possible 40. He already looks a likely finalist. TOWIE alumnus and renowned dimwit Joey Essex cannily stoked “showmance” rumours with his professional partner Vanessa Bauer.

Olivia Smart and Nile Wilson - WireImage
Olivia Smart and Nile Wilson - WireImage

Two contestants came with heartstring-tugging backstories. Siva Kaneswaran from boyband The Wanted dedicated his routine to bandmate Tom Parker, who tragically died of brain cancer last year aged just 33. Liberty X singer Michelle Heaton grew weepy as she spoke of her battle with alcohol addiction. Heaton was harshly marked and finished bottom of the standings but happily won enough public backing to survive.

Voting viewers instead sprung a surprise and reigning Love Island champion Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu was consigned to next weekend’s skate-off. She delivered a vampish performance - bikini-clad, pouting, hair-flicking and crawling across the ice - but it might have helped if she’d also fitted in some skating. Enjoyably, she looked furious at her fate.

As primetime entertainment, Dancing On Ice remains a study in mediocrity. This launch episode was so padded-out with smalltalk, recaps and commercial breaks that it featured just nine minutes of skating in a 90-minute show.

One of the more ghoulish reasons to watch is the possibility of pratfalls. Figure-skating might be a dangerous discipline but compared to Channel 4 skiing bloodbath The Jump - axed after filling Alpine hospitals with crocked C-listers - the mild peril of Dancing On Ice seems positively Health & Safety-compliant. There were a few wobbles here, plus plenty of tumbles in the training VTs. Sadly for schadenfreude fans, nobody stacked it live-on air.

A lack of eccentric characters in the line-up meant it was lamentably low on laughs. Producers were forced to liven up proceedings by bringing back last year’s cult hero, Bez from the Happy Mondays, to announce the phone-in competition while sitting astride a giant watermelon. The only other comedy moment came when judge Christopher Dean explained his injury by blundering that partner Jayne Torvill had “squeezed my hard… my hand”. “Squeezed your what?” asked Schofield, as Willoughby got the giggles.

Compared to its land-based cousin, 'Strictly on skates' lacks slickness, sparkle and the fun factor. Dancing On Ice was already axed in 2014 but revived three years later. Nowadays it attracts fewer than 5m viewers, lower ratings than when it was canned. One gets the impression that the programme is permanently circling the drain, waiting for an ITV bigwig to lose patience and pull the flush handle. Only "Awoogas" and "Rickeees" can save it now.