Should I feel bad for still wanting to have sex now I am 87?
I am an 87-year-old man and have been married for 40 years. My wife, also in her 80s, and I have slept in separate bedrooms for 30 of those, due to my snoring. Even so, we had a good sex life, though less frequently than I would have liked. I still have the urge to join her in bed (though I have erectile dysfunction now), to make her orgasm. But my wife has never been demonstrative; I have always been the one to initiate a cuddle or words of endearment. She cannot understand that a man of my age still gets some excitement at the thought of intimacy with her; she finds it strange, even. But, when she reluctantly agrees to share her bed with me (once every two months maybe), she is quickly turned on and I can make her have an orgasm in minutes. I feel so embarrassed, even odd, when she turns my request down to join her in bed. It even causes an argument, about which I feel guilty … So what is the answer? Am I odd?
You are not odd, and only those with very old fashioned notions about sex would think you are. Unfortunately, there are still people who buy into the prejudices that abound regarding sex in later years, and believe that sexual interest automatically disappears after a certain age. On the contrary, it is entirely normal and healthy for you to want to be intimate with your wife at any age. Even if challenges such as erectile difficulties develop (and, by the way, that can be treated) there are still many styles of intimacy that people can still enjoy – as you have found. The pleasure, eroticism, soothing, fun and connectedness that are to be found from even non-penetrative, non-genital forms of partner sex – including touching, kissing, caressing, hugging and erotic conversation – are powerful contributors to a happy and fulfilled life for young and old alike.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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