Other people's lockdown hair is causing me no end of anxiety
Right at the start of the lockdown, one concern edged ahead of the pack, and has stayed out in front, in spite of some challenges (week four: weight gain; week five: are we exercising enough) – and that is the state of our hair.
If you have spoken to anyone who has not mentioned their greying roots, grown-out bob, frizzy Robinson Crusoe mane or intention to get to a hairdresser the second it’s legal, that person was either in their 80s (too stoical to notice) or bald. Hair has become the nation’s number one preoccupation (OK, a toned torso comes close, but hair is still ahead) and we’re learning a lot about it and people as we go along… for example:
Boris Hair
It turns out that in a national emergency, the hair to have is Boris hair, as in habitually unkempt and mashed about like corn after a storm. Boris hair looks the same whatever life throws at it – no better, no worse – and the PM has been doing lockdown/hospital bed/slept-on-a mate’s-sofa hair forever, so it is reassuringly business as usual.
Bond Girl Hair
Olga Kurylenko (Quantum of Solace, if you’re interested) this week took the bold move of cutting her own fringe (can you believe it?) and posting the results on Instagram (hashtag thelockdowneffect). Olga’s punchy act of make-do in isolation is one of those important reminders that there is still a world of people out there who think doing without the second cook is suffering in the time of corona.
Philip Schofield Hair
Schofield says his shocking lockdown hair made his mother jump when he Skyped her at the weekend, by which he means “Look at me with all my hair!” He’s pretending he thinks he looks scary, the same way actresses pretend to think they look awful “make-up-free” in their PJs when the only reason they’ve posted a picture of themselves is that they think they look beguiling as hell. Guaranteed Phillip loves himself with a Billy Idol do. Next stop: a white leather jacket.
Damian Hair
Liz Hurley’s son’s lockdown hair is predictably as glossy and swishy (it’s longer than his mum’s) and crying out for a Kérastase contract as it ever was. Damian has Dauphin hair and pictures of it newly blow‑ dried in the garden of Liz’s house in the country make you think 100 Per Cent Celebrities not Civilians. Meanwhile, Liz is wandering about looking sizzling hot in Daisy Dukes and a knotted scarlet shirt. Parallel reality.
Viking Hair
Very much the time to have Absolut Viking Hair, as demonstrated by the flame-haired, bushy-bearded Norwegian actor Kristofer Hivju. Best known for playing Tormund the Wildling raider in Game of Thrones, Hivju is in Twin on BBC Four (he’s also excellent in Force Majeure if you haven’t seen that) and generally shaping up to be the poster man for hoary fisherman types and all men who want to play at being that during the lockdown.
Is it just me...
Or is there one reason only for remaking ‘Van der Valk’ (ITV) for a 2020 audience? Perving on Amsterdam. Don’t know if you have noticed, but every second advertisement for a floppy summer dress or a Pilsner beer is located in the picturesque canal district of De Negen Straatjes. It’s got to the point where if you want to instantly conjure stylish contemporary living, you need Amsterdam for your backdrop, and then people who look as Dutch as Edam. Blue-eyed men with neat silver beards; blonde, bare-legged women in plimsolls on bicycles. The reviews for ‘Van der Valk’ are not good, but we may have to watch for the exteriors.
Is it OK to...
Be wondering what Meghan will wear when she takes the stand (or the Skype equivalent) in the case of Markle v Markle? Come on, it’s not as if it won’t be top of her agenda; mood boards will already be laid out in the world domination strategy room, along with results of outfit test outings, lists of designers who have demonstrated their loyalty, and pictures of other famous women who have taken the stand and won – e.g. Nigella. It could be black (Nigella went for black) or bodycon grey, or a pencil skirt and a white shirt in the style of Claire Underwood in ‘House of Cards’ at her steely best. Can’t wait.
