My wife and I haven’t had sex for years. How can I boost my libido?

I am a 57-year-old lesbian and I have no sex drive. These are hard words to write, but my wife and I have not been intimate in years. She loves me and I do love her, but I suspect that over the years she got tired of initiating, and me either acquiescing out of obligation or turning her down. I want to be normal but don’t feel as if I am. Doctors dismiss me as either hormonal or menopausal. What should I do? What type of specialist can help me?

People living with such sadness and quiet desperation about their sexual functioning or lack of it should never be dismissed. Unfortunately, I often hear that they are. You deserve to be helped, so seek a well-qualified, knowledgable sex therapist or practitioner of psychosexual medicine.

You could also insist that your GP refer you for specialist evaluation regarding a possible hormone boost. The hormones that help women feel sexually alive – especially oestrogen and testosterone – tend to dwindle as we age, but there are ways to supplement and boost them. Women who wish to receive help for any sexual complaint should be respected and listened to: sexual health is, after all, a vital element contributing to a good quality of life for all.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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